Dearest reader,
The months pass so fast that those thousand thoughts fly away to come back at a later moment, like this particular thought.
For years, I would let awkward comments and questions slide. I want to believe everything people say is with good intentions. It is not always from a bad place. People can speak out of ignorance or with a certain prejudice mind. I’m genuinely interested in people’s motives. For example, you haven’t seen someone for years. There is never been a close relationship. You meet on the street, market, party, shop or bus stop and the conversation get uncomfortably personal. In these scenes African aunties and uncles are always the lead and main characters.
There are so many stories, but the most common one-sided conversation goes like this: “Ah, long time Chi, how have you been? How many children do you have now? When is the next one coming? You are big now!” I am trying to decode what the last statement mean: 1. I have grown into a secure, financial stable and matured woman? Or 2. I have increased in size, I am huge and fat now. I got the answer not so long ago from an “uncle” I met at the market. He laughed and said, “You are a big woman now”. So, I answered, “It is the thick winter jacket. I look much bigger than I actually am wearing it”. He said: “NO, it is “your face”. I socked it up and thought, uncle why?
Not only my Nigerian aunties and uncles that are doing this. I had several instances with other African acquaintances. Recently, I was having lunch with a Brazilian girlfriend sitting at a terrace enjoying the spring weather. When a neighbor I hadn’t seen for years passed by. We talked briefly. Just causal pleasant talks, until he had to mention that my body changed. Mind you I was seated during the brief talk, he pointed to my hips area. I felt so awkward.
The aunties win from the uncles! They deserve the Oscars for the way they can make you feel small or naked in front of others.
Last year, I was at the swimming class of my son. A few African aunties were watching their children too, we greeted as I passed. One of them walked towards me, it was like a slow-motion movie, she wanted to touch my backside to point out that it is big, in a comical way, if I didn’t block her hand, she would have touched it. I was uncomfortably laughing as she was “jokingly” talking “how I dey carry so much load” this is when I knew she is a Nigerian. This is all in the name of trying to be funny and point out that I have a big ass, which I obviously already know. Why speak to someone you don’t know in that kind of manner, talk less if you are in a busy space with majority of non-Africans that can decipher what is happening through our body language.
Many excruciating scenarios I experienced. Also, friends shared their stories inflicted by those aunties and uncles. A dear friend of mine told me about an awful experience with her aunty (not related). She was in her early twenties and four months pregnant when she had an engagement party. Only her parents and siblings knew about her pregnancy. Few weeks after the party she had a miscarriage. A few days later, one aunty that was at the engagement party called to ask about the wedding plans. As they were talking this aunty told her repetitively: “Do not get pregnant before you marry.” The aunty probably thought she was giving her fantastic advice. My friend was so devastated and traumatized. Up till now anytime she sees or hears about this aunty, she remembers the baby she lost and those words. My friend is now in her forties, she still avoids that aunty like a deadly plague.
Telling or asking women, married, with kids, unmarried, divorced, without kids, teenagers, daughters, single, nieces, cousins about their fertility, weight gain or loss, body parts without them leading the conversation, is diabolic! Aunties and uncles should never feel entitled to drop anything carelessly out of curiosity, just because we uphold the number 1 rule in African culture to respect elders/ seniors.
So far it is only with Africans I experience these kinds of conversations. The audacity to be snooping on somebody’s body, especially if you are not mates. It never occurred to me to point out to anyone how their body parts has grown or changed in size. Nobody knows what someone is going through, which burden they are carrying. Before you talk, think: “Am I contributing to someone’s mental health with my comment or not? If not, swallow and choose silence”.
I do not want to run into some random aunty, uncle or acquaintance that I see once in a while and answer questions about my weight (gain or loss) journey or fertility plans at some party or anywhere else. I certainly do not give anyone permission to touch my body parts even if it is a woman. It is my personal space.
So, aunties and uncles, it might be over curiosity to know the state of affairs of other people’s private lives, but you need to stop with this. It does not concern you. Not because we have the same community, state, country or continent in common you are entitled. Keep it casual and tactful. If you can fix it right away, please, speak up if I have something in my hair, teeth or the lipstick smudged on the side of my face or something similar. Please share beautiful memories( if we have any) ideas, events or recommendations with me. If it doesn’t match that and it is not useful, I will not entertain it anymore. Be aware, I will put you on the spot.
With love, Chi
Very strong and important topic.I can relate to many of the situations being mentioned on uncomfortable conversations. Personally I have more issues with peolple placing their uncensored opion or question with non unfamiliar reasoning.The question starts a unexpected and leaves the opponent unpleasant speechless shock.I think it ‘s worst that people do this infront of an audience . This has
often left me to wonder what was the goal of the conversation?Additional I just want to point out, that this doesn’t only happen with aunty and uncles from African origin.I can recall having this experience more often with my European acquaintance or friends. This has let me to avoid and cut tides with those people. Therefore I believe that does whom lead these conversations they don’t know their limits when they are communicating.They believe they have the right to say or ask questions without thinking twice and forget what consequences this can lead to the responder.For long I have tried to justify the behaviour of people just shouting out , what they think , that this is perhaps to make them feel bigger and others insecure or they themselves are battling with deep rooted insercuries.These behaviour leads them , to say or think they have right to insult others.Thank you for addressing this theme.Personally , I thing this is a form of mobbing.I was battling with this theme for such a longtime and thought it was me being sensitive , but it is not appropriate talking about somebody’s body size , personal condition or saying negative comments about someones style without anyone asking for an opion.Your content proves that it happens frequently and hopefully people reading and learning something from your message being told.Hopefully people will think twice , when they start a conversation or try to ignore inappropriate questions and don’t give these people a stage to perform on.
Thank you so much for your reply. Much appreciated!
Everything you mentioned is so relatable. I can recall being so often in shock and all I could do at that moment of response is be silent or smile. Then days or even weeks later you ask yourself what was the point. I had one instance when I was studying, I was in my early twenties in a packed metro, where this aunty (I can’t even recall if we know) was standing near me. I greeted her and the next thing she asked if I was pregnant. She didn’t ask any other thing. I was speechless, I probably just shook my head.
If I share all my experiences and those of others regarding inappropriate conversations I can write a big memoir. This tells you how often it happens. You are not sensitive to feel the way you felt or feeling when these type of discussions take place, they are insensitive.
I think it is very good that you cut ties with those acquaintances/ friends. If they are your friends they can ask private questions without any bystanders. Putting you on a spot, real friends will never do that. Such people you can better call enemies if that is how they conduct friendship. Most time people like that are battling with their own insecurities which they try to shift to others.
It is the audacity for me. Personally, I do not have this experience with non- Africans when it comes to body, fertility or family dynamics. I thought it was something African. What mainly black people do to each other, but your response shows white people with European background doing this too. As for me, I won’t be entertaining anyone no more that wants me to follow them on that lane. They should be prepared to get something really different than the answer they actually expect to hear.
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts.
Much love, Chi